Is it foolish to believe? Not only to believe, but believe in something that you know won’t happen without a willing donor and hours of tests and surgeries? I find myself with my face in the pillow many times because believing has been letting me down once again.
Recently I have been strongly believing that my kidneys would by a miracle start filtering fluids that are in my body again and that believing has even reflected in dreams. I sometimes dream I am taking a long piss. The sound of it hitting the floor, the feeling of relief because the weight is being taken off and just the thrill of it after years of dialysis. One would undermine how precious it is to stand before a urinal and take a leak.
Being in renal failure has led me to believing in kidneys more than everything. The magic that is a fist-small organ that many can’t even locate in their own bodies. I sometimes wish I could write a whole novel just to explain how vital they are, but I really am short of words. Who else but a renal failure patient who almost died in hospital would better put it in words? You can’t help thinking organ donors are sent from heaven when you know a kidney transplant would transform your life.
I should be in Cape Town working as a chef at a restaurant I could only dream of as an adolescent, but here I am treating a chronic disease that can’t even be controlled by specialist doctors. I was about to take up a chef de partie position at a wine estate restaurant when I got sick. I had not even finished half a year when I started getting the symptoms and had to drop everything and go back to Durban. Only for my health to even get worse because I couldn’t find or afford a proper doctor who’d diagnose me. So I was referred to a traditional doctor and, because I believe a lot, I took the ugly herbs. These herbs’ purpose was not even explained properly nor was the safe and effective dosage.
Now I believe that Discovery Health is going to part the dialysis waters for me and I may walk right to the other side one day. I believe God is going to intervene and with that intervention come fulfilment and I shall get back on the horse and ride to the sunset as I intend, but what I should also do is believe in patience.